Kosher Sex
Level: Intermediate |
Note: This page addresses issues of Jewish law that may not
be appropriate for younger readers. In places, it discusses sexual behavior
in plain and frank terms. Please exercise appropriate discretion.
In Jewish law, sex is not considered shameful,
sinful or obscene. Sex is not thought of as a necessary evil for the sole
purpose of procreation. Although sexual desire comes from the
yetzer ra (the evil impulse), it is no more
evil than hunger or thirst, which also come from the yetzer ra. Like hunger,
thirst or other basic instincts, sexual desire must be controlled and channeled,
satisfied at the proper time, place and manner. But when sexual desire is
satisfied between a husband and wife at the proper time, out of mutual love
and desire, sex is a mitzvah.
Sex is permissible only within the context of a
marriage. In Judaism, sex is not merely a
way of experiencing physical pleasure. It is an act of immense significance,
which requires commitment and responsibility. The requirement of marriage
before sex ensures that sense of commitment and responsibility. Jewish law
also forbids sexual contact short of intercourse outside of the context of
marriage, recognizing that such contact will inevitably lead to intercourse.
The primary purpose of sex is to reinforce the loving marital bond between
husband and wife. The first and foremost purpose of
marriage is companionship, and sexual relations
play an important role. Procreation is also a reason for sex, but it is not
the only reason. Sex between husband and wife is permitted (even recommended)
at times when conception is impossible, such as when the woman is pregnant,
after menopause, or when the woman is using a permissible form of
contraception.
In the Torah, the word used for sex between
husband and wife comes from the root Yod-Dalet-Ayin,
meaning "to know," which vividly illustrates that proper Jewish sexuality
involves both the heart and mind, not merely the body.
Nevertheless, Judaism does not ignore the physical component of sexuality.
The need for physical compatibility between husband and wife is recognized
in Jewish law. A Jewish couple must meet at least once before the
marriage, and if either prospective spouse
finds the other physically repulsive, the marriage is forbidden.
Sex should only be experienced in a time of joy. Sex for selfish personal
satisfaction, without regard for the partner's pleasure, is wrong and evil.
A man may never force his wife to have sex. A couple may not have sexual
relations while drunk or quarreling. Sex may never be used as a weapon against
a spouse, either by depriving the spouse of sex or by compelling it. It is
a serious offense to use sex (or lack thereof) to punish or manipulate a
spouse.
Sex is the woman's right, not the man's. A man has a duty to give his wife
sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated
to watch for signs that his wife wants sex, and to offer it to her without
her asking for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse is referred to
as onah, and it is one of a wife's three basic rights (the others are food
and clothing), which a husband may not reduce. The
Talmud specifies both the quantity and quality
of sex that a man must give his wife. It specifies the frequency of sexual
obligation based on the husband's occupation, although this obligation can
be modified in the ketubah (marriage contract).
A man may not take a vow to abstain from sex for an extended period of time,
and may not take a journey for an extended period of time, because that would
deprive his wife of sexual relations. In addition, a husband's consistent
refusal to engage in sexual relations is grounds for compelling a man to
divorce his wife, even if the couple has already
fulfilled the halakhic obligation to procreate.
Although sex is the woman's right, she does not have absolute discretion
to withhold it from her husband. A woman may not withhold sex from her husband
as a form of punishment, and if she does, the husband may divorce her without
paying the substantial divorce settlement provided for in the
ketubah.
Although some sources take a more narrow view, the general view of
halakhah is that any sexual act that does
not involve sh'chatat zerah (destruction of seed, that is, ejaculation outside
the vagina) is permissible. As one passage in the
Talmud states, "a man may do whatever he pleases
with his wife." (Nedarim 20b) In fact, there are passages in the Talmud that
encourage foreplay to arouse the woman. (Nedarim 20a). Any stories you may
have heard about Jewish sex occurring through a hole in a sheet are purely
an urban legend.
One of the most mysterious areas of Jewish sexual practices is the law of
niddah, separation of husband and wife during the woman's menstrual period.
These laws are also known as taharat ha-mishpachah, family purity. Few people
outside of the Orthodox community are even
aware that these laws exist, which is unfortunate, because these laws provide
many undeniable benefits. The laws of niddah are not deliberately kept secret;
they are simply unknown because most non-Orthodox Jews do not continue their
religious education beyond bar mitzvah, and
these laws address subjects that are not really suitable for discussion with
children under the age of 13.
According to the Torah, a man is forbidden from
having sexual intercourse with a niddah, that is, a menstruating woman. This
is part of the extensive laws of ritual purity described in the Torah. At
one time, a large portion of Jewish law revolved around questions of ritual
purity and impurity. The law of niddah is the only law of ritual purity that
continues to be observed today; all of the other laws applied only when the
Temple was in existence, but are not applicable
today.
The time of separation begins at the first sign of blood and ends in the
evening of the woman's seventh "clean day." This separation lasts a minimum
of 12 days. The Torah prohibits only sexual intercourse, but the
rabbis broadened this prohibition, maintaining
that a man may not even touch his wife or sleep in the same bed as her during
this time. Weddings must be scheduled carefully,
so that the woman is not in a state of niddah on her wedding night.
At the end of the period of niddah, as soon as possible after nightfall after
the seventh clean day, the woman must immerse herself in a kosher mikvah,
a ritual pool. The mikvah was traditionally used to cleanse a person of various
forms of ritual impurity. Today, it is used primarily for this purpose and
as part of the ritual of conversion, though
in some communities observant men periodically immerse themselves for reasons
of ritual purity.
It is important to note that the mikvah provides only ritual purification,
not physical cleanliness; in fact, immersion in the mikvah is not valid unless
the woman is thoroughly bathed before immersion. The mikvah is such an important
part of traditional Jewish ritual life that traditionally a new community
would build a mikvah before they would build a
synagogue.
The Torah does not specify the reason for the
laws of niddah, but this period of abstention has both physical and psychological
benefits.
The fertility benefits of this practice are obvious and undeniable. In fact,
it is remarkable how closely these laws parallel the advice given by medical
professionals today. When couples are having trouble conceiving, modern medical
professionals routinely advise them to abstain from sex during the two weeks
around a woman's period (to increase the man's sperm count at a time when
conception is not possible), and to have sex on alternate nights during the
remaining two weeks. When you combine this basic physical benefit with the
psychological benefit of believing that you are fulfilling
G-d's will, it is absolutely shocking that more
couples with fertility problems do not attempt this practice. The rejection
of this practice by the liberal movements of Judaism is not a matter of "informed
choice," but simply a matter of ignorance or blind prejudice.
In addition, women who have sexual intercourse during their menstrual period
are more vulnerable to a variety of vaginal infections, as well as increased
risk of cervical cancer.
But the benefits that the rabbis have always
emphasized are the psychological ones, not the physical ones. The rabbis
noted that a two-week period of abstention every month forces a couple to
build a non-sexual bond as well as a sexual one. It helps to build the couple's
desire for one another, making intercourse in the remaining two weeks more
special. It also gives both partners a chance to rest, without feeling sexually
inadequate. They also emphasized the value of self-discipline in a drive
as fundamental as the sexual drive.
In principle, birth control is permitted, so long as the couple is committed
to eventually fulfilling the mitzvah to be
fruitful and multiply (which, at a minimum, consists of having two children,
one of each gender). The issue in birth control is not whether it is permitted,
but what method is permitted, and under what circumstances.
Birth control is rather clearly permitted in circumstances where pregnancy
would pose a medical risk to the mother or her other children. For example,
the Talmud recognizes the use of birth control
by very young women, pregnant women or nursing women. However, there is some
variance of opinion as to what other circumstances might permit birth control.
If this is an issue for you, you should consult a competent rabbinic authority.
It is well-established that methods that destroy the seed or block the passage
of the seed are not permitted, thus condoms are not permitted for birth control.
However, the pill is well-recognized as an acceptable form of birth control
under Jewish law. I have also heard some say that
a condom would be permitted under Jewish law to prevent the transmission
of AIDS or similar diseases, because preserving the life of the uninfected
spouse takes priority; however, I am not certain how authoritative this view
is. If this is an issue for you, you should consult a competent rabbinic
authority.
Jewish law not only permits, but in some circumstances
requires abortion. Where the mother's life is in jeopardy because
of the unborn child, abortion is mandatory.
An unborn child has the status of "potential human life" until the majority
of the body has emerged from the mother. Potential human life is valuable,
and may not be terminated casually, but it does not have as much value as
a life in existence. The Talmud makes no bones
about this: it says quite bluntly that if the fetus threatens the life of
the mother, you cut it up within her body and remove it limb by limb if
necessary, because its life is not as valuable as hers. But once the greater
part of the body has emerged, you cannot take its life to save the mother's,
because you cannot choose between one human life and another.
Sexual relations between men are clearly forbidden by the
Torah. (Lev. 18:22). Such acts are condemned
in the strongest possible terms, as abhorrent. The only other sexual sin
that is described in such strong terms is the sin of remarrying a woman you
had divorced after she had been married to another man. (See Deut. 24:4).
The sin of sexual relations between men is punishable by death (Lev. 20:13),
as are the sins of adultery and incest.
It is important to note, however, that it is homosexual
acts that are forbidden, not homosexual
orientation. Judaism focuses on a person's actions rather than
a person's desires. A man's desire to have sex with another man is not a
sin, so long as he does not act upon that desire. In fact, it could be said
that a man who feels such desires but does not act upon them is worthy of
more merit in that regard than a man who does not feel such desires at all,
just as one who refrains from pork because it is forbidden deserves more
merit than one who refrains from pork because he doesn't like the taste.
I have seen some modern Orthodox sources suggest that if homosexuality is
truly something hardwired in the brain, as most gay activists suggest, then
a man who acts upon that desire is not morally responsible for his actions,
but I am not sure how wide-spread that opinion is. In any case, it is not
quite as liberal a position as some would have you believe: essentially,
it is equivalent to saying that a kleptomaniac would not be held morally
responsible for stealing.
Interestingly, female homosexual relations are not forbidden by the Torah.
There is very little discussion of female homosexuality in the
Talmud. The few sources that mention lesbian
relations say that they do not disqualify a woman from certain privileges
of the priesthood, because it is "merely
licentiousness." There is a surprising lack of discussion of such issues
as whether lesbianism would be grounds for
divorcing a woman without her consent or without
ketubah. Rambam
asserted that lesbian practices are forbidden because it was a "practice
of Egypt" and because it constituted rebelliousness.
Jewish law clearly prohibits male masturbation. This law is derived from
the story of Onan (Gen. 38:8-10), who practiced coitus interruptus as a means
of birth control to avoid fathering a child for his deceased brother.
G-d killed Onan for this sin. Although Onan's
act was not truly masturbation, Jewish law takes a very broad view of the
acts prohibited by this passage, and forbids any act of ha-sh'cha'tat zerah
(destruction of the seed), that is, ejaculation outside of the vagina. In
fact, the prohibition is so strict that one passage in the
Talmud states, "in the case of a man, the hand
that reaches below the navel should be chopped off." (Niddah 13a)
The issue is somewhat less clear for women. Obviously, spilling the seed
is not going to happen in female masturbation, and there is no explicit
Torah prohibition against female masturbation.
Nevertheless, Judaism generally frowns upon female masturbation as "impure
thoughts."
 Rachel Biale's
Women
and Jewish Law contains many sections dealing with sexual issues, focusing
on the woman's perspective. It addresses the laws of marital relations, sexuality
outside of marriage, procreation and contraception, abortion and rape.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (known for his Shalom in the Home reality TV series)
has a book coincidentally named
Kosher
Sex (and let me just say in my own defense: I was using that page title
years before his book came out!). The book talks about sex in the context
of a committed, loving relationship, trying to find a proper balance between
deep friendship and passionate lovemaking, within the context of Jewish Law.
© Copyright 5756-5760 (1995-1999), Tracey
R Rich
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