Life, Death and Mourning
Level: Basic |
In Judaism, life is valued above almost all else. The
Talmud notes that all people are descended
from a single person, thus taking a single life is like destroying an entire
world, and saving a single life is like saving an entire world.
Of the 613 commandments, only the prohibitions
against murder, idolatry, incest and adultery are so important that they
cannot be violated to save a life. Judaism not only permits, but often
requires a person to violate the commandments if necessary to save
a life. A person who is extremely ill, for example, or a woman in labor,
is not permitted to fast on Yom Kippur,
because fasting at such a time would endanger the person's life. Doctors
are permitted to answer emergency calls on
Shabbat, even though this may violate many
Shabbat prohibitions. Abortions where necessary
to save the life of a mother are mandatory (the unborn are not considered
human life in Jewish law, thus the mother's human life overrides).
Because life is so valuable, we are not permitted to do anything that may
hasten death, not even to prevent suffering. Euthanasia, suicide and assisted
suicide are strictly forbidden by Jewish law. The
Talmud states that you may not even move a
dying person's arms if that would shorten his life.
However, where death is imminent and certain, and the patient is suffering,
Jewish law does permit one to cease artificially prolonging life. Thus, in
certain circumstances, Jewish law permits "pulling the plug" or refusing
extraordinary means of prolonging life.
In Judaism, death is not a tragedy, even when it occurs early in life or
through unfortunate circumstances. Death is a natural process. Our deaths,
like our lives, have meaning and are all part of
G-d's plan. In addition, we have a firm belief
in an afterlife, a world to come, where
those who have lived a worthy life will be rewarded.
Mourning practices in Judaism are extensive, but they are not an expression
of fear or distaste for death. Jewish practices relating to death and mourning
have two purposes: to show respect for the dead (kavod ha-met), and to comfort
the living (nihum avelim), who will miss the deceased.
After a person dies, the eyes are closed, the body is laid on the floor and
covered, and candles are lit next to the body. The body is never left alone
until after burial, as a sign of respect. The people who sit with the dead
body are called shomerim, from the root
Shin-Mem-Reish, meaning "guards" or "keepers".
Respect for the dead body is a matter of paramount importance. For example,
the shomerim may not eat, drink, or perform a commandment in the presence
of the dead. To do so would be considered mocking the dead, because the dead
can no longer do these things.
Most communities have an organization to care for the dead, known as the
chevra kaddisha (the holy society). These people are volunteers. Their work
is considered extremely meritorious, because they are performing a service
for someone who can never repay them.
Autopsies in general are discouraged as desecration of the body. They are
permitted, however, where it may save a life or where local law requires
it. When autopsies must be performed, they should be minimally intrusive.
The presence of a dead body is considered a source of ritual impurity. For
this reason, a kohein may not be in the presence
of a corpse. People who have been in the presence of a body wash their hands
before entering a home. This is done to symbolically remove spiritual impurity,
not physical uncleanness: it applies regardless of whether you have physically
touched the body.
In preparation for the burial, the body is thoroughly cleaned and wrapped
in a simple, plain linen shroud. The Sages decreed that both the dress of
the body and the coffin should be simple, so that a poor person would not
receive less honor in death than a rich person. The body is wrapped in a
tallit with its
tzitzit rendered invalid. The body is not
embalmed, and no organs or fluids may be removed. According to some sources,
organ donation is permitted, because the subsequent burial of the donee will
satisfy the requirement of burying the entire body.
The body must not be cremated. It must be buried in the earth. Coffins are
not required, but if they are used, they must have holes drilled in them
so the body comes in contact with the earth.
The body is never displayed at funerals; open casket ceremonies are forbidden
by Jewish law. According to Jewish law, exposing a body is considered
disrespectful, because it allows not only friends, but also enemies to view
the dead, mocking their helpless state.
Jewish mourning practices can be broken into several periods of decreasing
intensity. These mourning periods allow the full expression of grief, while
discouraging excesses of grief and allowing the mourner to gradually return
to a normal life.
When a close relative (parent, sibling, spouse or child) first hears of the
death of a relative, it is traditional to express the initial grief by tearing
one's clothing. The tear is made over the heart if the deceased is a parent,
or over the right side of the chest for other relatives. This tearing of
the clothing is referred to as keriyah (lit. "tearing"). The mourner recites
the blessing describing
G-d as "the true Judge," an acceptance of G-d's
taking of the life of a relative.
From the time of death to the burial, the mourner's sole responsibility is
caring for the deceased and preparing for the burial. This period is known
as aninut. During this time, the mourners are exempt from all positive
commandments ("thou shalts"), because the preparations take first priority.
This period usually lasts a day or two; Judaism requires prompt burial.
During this aninut period, the family should be left alone and allowed the
full expression of grief. Condolence calls or visits should not be made during
this time.
After the burial, a close relative, near neighbor or friend prepares the
first meal for the mourners, the se'udat havra'ah (meal of condolence). This
meal traditionally consists of eggs (a symbol of life) and bread. The meal
is for the family only, not for visitors. After this time, condolence calls
are permitted.
The next period of mourning is known as shiva (seven, because it lasts seven
days). Shiva is observed by parents, children, spouses and siblings of the
deceased, preferably all together in the deceased's home. Shiva begins on
the day of burial and continues until the morning of the seventh day after
burial. Mourners sit on low stools or the floor instead of chairs, do not
wear leather shoes, do not shave or cut their hair, do not wear cosmetics,
do not work, and do not do things for comfort or pleasure, such as bathe,
have sex, put on fresh clothing, or study Torah
(except Torah related to mourning and grief). Mourners wear the clothes that
they tore at the time of learning of the death or at the funeral. Mirrors
in the house are covered. Prayer services are held where the shiva is held,
with friends, neighbors and relatives making up the
minyan (10 people required for certain prayers).
If a festival occurs during the mourning period, the mourning is terminated,
but if the burial occurs during a festival, the mourning is delayed until
after the festival. The Shabbat that occurs
during the shiva period counts toward the seven days of shiva, and does not
end the mourning period. Public mourning practices (such as wearing the torn
clothes, not wearing shoes) are suspended during this period, but private
mourning continues.
The next period of mourning is known as shloshim (thirty, because it lasts
until the 30th day after burial). During that period, the mourners do not
attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not
listen to music.
The final period of formal mourning is avelut, which is observed only for
a parent. This period lasts for twelve months after the burial. During that
time, mourners avoid parties, celebrations, theater and concerts. For eleven
months of that period, starting at the time of burial, the son of the deceased
recites the mourner's Kaddish every day.
After the avelut period is complete, the family of the deceased is not permitted
to continue formal mourning; however, there are a few continuing acknowledgments
of the decedent. Every year, on the anniversary of the death, family members
observe the deceased's Yahrzeit (Yiddish,
lit. "anniversary"). On the Yahrzeit, sons recite Kaddish and take an
aliyah (bless
the Torah reading) in synagogue if possible, and all mourners light a candle
in honor of the decedent that burns for 24 hours. In addition, during services
on Yom Kippur,
Shemini Atzeret, the last day of
Passover, and
Shavu'ot, after the haftarah reading in synagogue,
close relatives recite the mourner's prayer, Yizkor ("May He remember...")
in synagogue. Yahrzeit candles are also lit on those days.
When visiting a mourner, a guest should not try to express grief with standard,
shallow platitudes. The guest should allow the mourner to initiate conversations.
One should not divert the conversation from talking about the deceased; to
do so would limit the mourner's ability to fully express grief, which is
the purpose of the mourning period. On the contrary, the caller should encourage
conversation about the deceased.
When leaving a house of mourning, it is traditional for the guest to say,
"May the Lord comfort you with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
Kaddish is commonly known as a mourner's prayer, but in fact, variations
on the Kaddish prayer are routinely recited at many other times, and the
prayer itself has nothing to do with death or mourning. The prayer begins
"May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified in the world that He created
as He willed. May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in
your days ..." and continues in much that vein. The real mourner's prayer
is El Molai Rachamim, which is recited at grave sites and during funerals.
Why, then, is Kaddish recited by mourners?
After a great loss like the death of a parent, you might expect a person
to lose faith in G-d, or to cry out against G-d's
injustice. Instead, Judaism requires a mourner to stand up every day, publicly
(i.e., in front of a minyan, a quorum of 10
adult men), and reaffirm faith in G-d despite this loss. To do so inures
to the merit of the deceased in the eyes of G-d, because the deceased must
have been a very good parent to raise a child who could express such faith
in the face of personal loss.
Then why is Kaddish recited for only 11 months, when the mourning period
is 12 months? According to Jewish tradition, the soul must spend some time
purifying itself before it can enter the World to
Come. The maximum time required for purification is 12 months, for the
most evil person. To recite Kaddish for 12 months would imply that the parent
was the type who needed 12 months of purification! To avoid this implication,
the Sages decreed that a son should recite Kaddish for only eleven months.
A person is permitted to recite Kaddish for other close relatives as well
as parents, but only if his parents are dead.
See Mourners' Kaddish for
the full text of the Mourners' Kaddish.
 Jewish law requires that a tombstone
be prepared, so that the deceased will not be forgotten and the grave will
not be desecrated. It is customary in some communities to keep the tombstone
veiled, or to delay in putting it up, until the end of the 12-month mourning
period. The idea underlying this custom is that the dead will not be forgotten
when he is being mourned every day. In communities where this custom is observed,
there is generally a formal unveiling ceremony when the tombstone is revealed.
It is also customary in some communities to place small stones on a gravesite
when visiting it. This custom has become well-known from the movie
Schindler's
List, in which the children of Survivors place stones on the grave of
Oscar Schindler. The custom is not universal, even among traditional Jews,
and there seems to be some doubt as to how it originated. It seems to have
superstitious origins. It's a little like leaving a calling card for the
dead person, to let them know you were there. Stones, unlike flowers, are
permanent and do not get blown away in the wind. Some other sources suggest
that it was originally done because we are required to erect a tombstone,
and tombstones that actually looked like tombstones tended to get desecrated.
What is written on a tombstone? In most cases, it is very straightforward
Hebrew text, similar to what you might see on a tombstone in English. An
illustration of a typical Jewish tombstone is shown above.
At the top is the abbreviation Pei-Nun, which
stands for either "poh nitman" or "poh nikbar", which means "here lies..."
The marks that look like quotation marks are commonly used to indicate an
abbreviation or a number written in letters.
The next line is the name of the decedent, in the form (decedent's name),
son of or daughter of [father's name]. "Son of" is either ben (Beit-Final
Nun) or bar (Beit-Reish). "Daughter of" is bat (Beit-Tav). The tombstone
above says "Esther bat Mordecai" (Elsie, daughter of Morrice). Sometimes,
one or both of the names is preceded by the letter Reish, which simply stands
for "Reb" and means "Mr." The names may also be followed by the title ha-Kohein
(Hei-Kaf-Hei-Final Nun), ha-Levi (Hei-Lamed-Vav-Yod) or ha-Rav (Hei-Reish-Beit),
indicating that the person was a kohein, a
Levite or a rabbi.
See the Hebrew Alphabet page if
you need help in identifying specific letters on a tombstone.
The third line indicates the date of death. This line begins with the
abbreviation Nun-Pei followed by the date, the month, and the year. The date
and year are written in Hebrew numerals, which are letters. The month name
is sometimes preceded by a Beit (meaning "of"). The tombstone above indicates
that the date of death was 18 Shevat 5761. Yod-Cheit = 10+8 = 18. Shin-Beit-Tav
is the month name Shevat. Tav-Shin-Samekh-Alef = 400+300+60+1 = 761 (the
5000 is assumed). See Hebrew
Alphabet -Numerical Values if you need help in identifying a number.
See Jewish Calendar - Months
of the Jewish Year if you need help identifying months. See
Jewish Calendar - Links to Jewish
Calendars if you need help converting a Hebrew date to a Gregorian date.
The last line is an abbreviation that stands for "tehe nishmatah tzerurah
bitzror hachayim," which means "may her soul be bound in the bond of eternal
life."
 You may also find Jewish symbols on a tombstone, such as a
menorah, a magen
David, a torah scroll, a lion, or the
two tablets of the ten commandments.
Most of these symbols don't tell you anything about the decedent (other than
the fact that he or she was Jewish). However, if you see a picture of hands
in a position like the one at right, this normally indicates that the decedent
was a kohein, because this hand position is
used when the kohanim bless the congregation at certain times of the year.
 The definitive book on Jewish mourning practices
is Maurice Lamm's
The
Jewish Way in Death and Mourning. This book is available through most
commercial bookstores, or click the link above to buy it online from amazon.com.
© Copyright 5756-5760 (1996-2001), Tracey
R Rich
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